I am no longer me

I have not written lately. Not that I didn't want to write. I have been thinking a lot. My thoughts were so overwhelming. I realized that my life has changed. It will never be the same. I can never be the same. I have to think through everything, every decision I make, every way I act, how I get angry, where I go. Even when I feel sad, I am careful for anybody to see.

It feels like I am no longer me. I have become a ghost. Only bipolar has mutated into me. People see bipolar when they look at me, I can't blame them for that. I no longer have a voice. The voice that comes out of my mouth is not mine. I have no desire, no dreams, no connections, no relationships. Nobody wants to be friends with me, because the me that they knew is no longer there. What they see is the thing that house my body.

The actions I take are regarded as propelled by it, no not me. I am careful of showing emotions, even if someone makes me so mad. The other day I got so mad with my son and yelled at him like any mother would. He refused to see my clear reasoning and intentions. I know he judge me. He repeatedly said, "sometimes you have to see that you are wrong." To him my choices are informed by that. I can see ho he looks at me. That day I cried. I cried not because I was mad. I cried not because his disrespect was hurting me. I cried because I was not allowed to be angry, just like any mother would. My way of expressing myself is regarded irrational, because my judgement is clouded.

I decided to stop taking alcohol. Not because I couldn't handle myself, but because I am afraid to let my gut down and be myself. Just because I am afraid of what they may say. It hurt when my fried said the other day, "Oh I am sorry, I shouldn't have invited you along because you no longer drink and I the environment my trigger you." I snapped at him when I replied that, not drinking was my choice and not because I was an alcoholic but because I no longer wanted to drink. I took two glasses of a light cider that day, just to proof that I am still me. I felt horrible after that because I broke my promise to myself. I did it because I did not want to be an outsider.

The other day a male friend invited me to his farm, for I need to go to a quiet place where I could do my writing uninterrupted. But I declined because I was afraid they will say that my decision to accept his offer was only because of it. It makes me sad that I am no longer allowed to be myself.

Therefore, I prefer to stay in the safe zone. I hide away in my home. I can't risk being around people who watch my every move, what I say and how I do things, jus for them to justify them that it was the thing that house my body.

I look at myself in the mirror and see me for a brief moment before I disappear and all I can see is it. I am no longer me. The only way I can escape is through writing. It is my safe zone. It is the only place I can be myself. The only place that they can't reach me. It is just me and my words. At least here, it can not control me.

But I know that I am no longer me. All they see is the thing.