I hide my skeletons

I don't feel bad that I have bipolar. I am just careful of who I get close to me. In fact, I am only close to my children. I prefer not interacting at all. I don't want to explain myself or educate anyone about bipolar and why I am acting the way I do.

Every day I learn more ways to hide my skeletons. Having bipolar is kinda lonely because one tends to avoid interactions with people who do not understand you. Also it helps to avoid triggers. The stigma about mental illnesses is also heartless.

My face is the major give away as it carries signs of lack of sleep as well as sadness when my mood is fluctuating. That is why I put on layers of make up to hide my skeletons and keep up appearance. I often pat myself on the shoulder whenever I am able to make to the office after I had to drag myself out of bed. After all, these kids need someone to feed them and I got medication to pay for, so got to work, even on days that I do not feel like facing the world.

Having bipolar is not easy but it is better to have a diagnosis and to receive treatment than not knowing what the hell is going on with you. I wish I had people who knows about and understands bipolar to talk to and share my experiences with.

I just want to finish with the translations and be at peace. I need a more quiet and slow life. It is exhausting to live a life of hiding who you are for the fear of judgement, rejection and stigma. So, I don't go out and socialize I have to hide my skeletons.

lately, I have to count my steps, I have to rethink if I want to go meet someone for coffee or brunch, if it is not a mania move pushing me out of my comfort zone. mania can make you do things you ordinarily wouldn't do. It is a force that take over control of your body to run its own agenda. I constantly ask myself if I wasn't too harsh or irrational when I snap on my kids or a coworker who rubs me the wrong way. I am careful of how I come across in the work emails or interactions because I am afraid to be seen as 'too sensitive' or 'too arrogant' or 'hyper-active' or even 'a Debbie downer' when I am in a dull mood.

so, avoiding, stay in the dark, don't speak up, letting things go, taking the back row and disappearing in a crowed has become the new normal for me.

But, you know, even if was given a chance to choose a different life, I would still choose the current me with bipolar but I would just do things a lot me different than I did when I didn't know that I had bipolar. All I wish is that I had known earlier and I believe my life would be different. However, while there are so many things I wish I hadn't done, there are some I do not regret at all. Looking back, I can't help smiling at some crazy shit I got up do during my manic episodes.