He was in me

Last week, especially the weekend was one of the most difficult moments of my life. It was on Tuesday evening that I realized that I was all on my own and that if I don't stand up for myself that nothing will happen. So I got out of my comfort zone and went to look for a dignified way of getting a loan and I ignored the warning of my horoscope because no matter how I wish there was another way, that was really my last resort. I was not embarrassed, I was being humble, was being a mother at that moment. I believed that all I needed was money. Instead a heap of challenges and obstacles discouraged and slowly taking and taking away my strength bit by bit. I fought so hard for my children's sake, for my daughter's sake. I have failed in so many ways, I have failed my children more times than they did for me. When it dawned to me that I would not get the money, money I needed to buy food, toothpaste, toilet paper; it evaded me. My little faith started fating away slowly. And it saddened me that I could not provide. I stared failure right in front of me and I kept trying and hoping that even on the last minute it could happen but it didn't. With every passing minute that it didn't happen sipping on my hope and filled it with despair and pain. I felt so helpless when I saw my begging eyes, their trust in me as they kept asking and looking forward to how that money would improve our lives and household. I fought away the tears but I couldn't stop the lump of paining forming a heap inside me until it reached my throat like a disease. It took tremendous strength to keep myself together while I questioned the Lord why He couldn't help me in that moment that I needed it the most. I was convinced that He turned His back on me. I broke. I gave up. All I then wanted was to get my daughter confirmed. I was glad that she had all the clothes she needed, but I was aware that we were all hungry and there was nothing to eat. I kept a brave face when all I wanted to do was falling apart. My children seemed to have more hope than me. All their hope was placed in me and it hurt me that I couldn't do anything for them. However, the morning of the confirmation came and I got up for my daughter. I was broken and ashamed all together. I didn't want anybody to come to my broken home as it would be worse than with those in the house whom I have failed because then I would have to deal with the shame too. It broke my heart to cancel the tables and chairs as well as the cake. I couldn't do anything. My mom sat with me. My brother came with meat. Rhiana came and made salad. I have felt helpless many times before but this was the hardest helplessness. Even though I was grateful for those who were there for me, I couldn't feel proud and happy for others to come and save the day and I couldn't do anything. I thought God has left me to deal with it on my own, but I was wrong. He carried me when I was weak, He gave me hope when it felt like nothing was possible, He gave me courage to get out of my bedroom, He was the strength I had but didn't realize, He still made it happen. He was within me and He knew better than I did. He was there all along when I couldn't see him and He carried me when my legs where wobbly and couldn't carry my weight. He was with me. How could I take my daughter to the alter and tell her that the God I want her to believe in has evaded me, I doubted my faith in Him. How could I explain to her that even in our worst moment that He will always make a way when she saw that He wasn't there when nothing seemed to go right, that I still believed in Him and His powers? But I still had the faith that David had, the obedience that Moses had when God told him to lead his people to the promised land, that I still had the believe that He was and still is the maker and creator of all. He has taught me one of the greatest lessons that it is not money that I needed, all I needed was faith, hope and believe. He was present because without Him nothing would be possible. He made it happen. But most of all, He showed me that I am loved and that I have a powerful support system. What more can I do now than praise the Lord for His mercy and grace when I didn't deserve it. Forgive me Lord for doubting my faith in You. Thank you, Amen.